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The Stages of New Year’s Eve Through Obscure Words

December 31, 2013

Every holiday has its trademark activity. On Thanksgiving, you eat. On Christmas, you give gifts. On Memorial Day, you barbeque. On New Year’s Eve, you party. That’s the way it is, whether you prefer to sit in your room with a noisemaker and watch the ball drop from the safety of your bedroom, or whether you want to be in Times Square shivering along with thousands of other people. Those who choose the second option often go through a number of stages including drunken debauchery, the false declaration of resolutions, and the sometimes-awkward kiss with a nearby stranger. My descriptions don’t do these actions justice, though, so I’ll let this obscure list of words jazz up the annual New Year’s Eve agenda.

8 P.M. You declare yourself a noceur.

Without ever saying the word, you’ve probably declared yourself a noceur millions of times. In fact, most college students are self-declared noceurs, often staying up into the wee hours of the night to finish 10-page research papers that they’ve saved until the last minute. Noceur means “one who sleeps late or not at all” or “one who stays out late to party.” If you’re not one of these, you don’t stand a chance on NYE.

9 P.M. You develop dipsomania.

Though dipsomania may sound like a cheesy name for a new salsa dip, in reality, it refers to the “uncontrollable desire for drink, especially alcohol.” While I don’t condone indulging in this impulse (most things that start with “uncontrollable” are not good news), it’s New Year’s Eve, so I’m not going to try to stop the inevitable.

9:30 P.M. You grow crapulous.

I’m not going to lie. I originally included crapulous because I’m immature and it made me laugh, but it also seems appropriate in the given situation. Crapulous, an adjective meaning “given to gross excess in drinking or eating,” is the result of giving in to dipsomania.

10:30 P.M. You become temulent.

Which is just a fancy word for drunk. But that’s not even the fun part.

10:45 P.M. Sophomania kicks in.

Only after a few shots is it okay to declare yourself the next president of Harvard University and invent new languages that no one else is allowed to partake in because their IQ is not 420 like yours. By which I mean, sophomania (the delusion of exceptional intelligence) is only permissible on New Year’s Eve. Every other time, I will not hesitate to slap you.

11 P.M. You slip into dacrygelosis.

Have you ever founds something so exciting and so tragic that you can’t decide whether to laugh or cry? That’s dacrygelosis, which is a condition that causes a person to alternate between laughing and crying. This happens a lot after a few rounds of drinks, at weddings, or during the series finale of your favorite TV show.

11:30 P.M. You and your friends begin to gilvarage.

As midnight nears, the late-night mischief goes into high gear and debauchery is at its peak. Around this time, people pull out the obnoxious noisemakers and fireworks to prepare to ring in the new year. That is to say, they start to gilvarage or, “celebrate noisily.” We might as well rename the entire holiday after this word because it really defines New Year’s Eve in my opinion.

11:59 P.M. You lean in for a suaviation.

What better way to kick off the new year than with a love kiss or, a suavation? Whether your inebriated delusions convince you to lock lips with the nearest lamp fixture or whether you go out and find a real person, suaviations are a stable of the New Year’s Eve tradition. Be careful, though. If it’s not with your significant other, awkwardness is almost guaranteed.

12 P.M. In the end, you are still tautoousious.

You’ve been to every bar in the city, you’ve attended every festivity the area has to offer, you’ve watched the ball drop on a tiny television in a crowded room and you’ve even scored a New Year’s kiss. But when everything is said and done, and your 2014 resolutions are publicly declared, you are still the same person you were before. Unless you’re the kind of person that actually does start a diet on January 1st (if you are, bravo…you are a rare breed and I envy you immensely), you will most likely not change much in the split second between December 31st and January 1st. You are tautoousious (“being absolutely the same”).

However, while you may not follow through with all your overreaching goals for the year (try making more reasonable vows because “seducing Zac Efron” will likely not work out), by next December 31st, you may be different than you were the year before. By next December 31st, you may be able to shake your tautoousiousness and be a better, different person. I mean, look at me! It’s January, 2014 and I’ve already made up a new noun: tautoousiousness. There is a world of possibilities waiting for us out there, people. Let’s not let it go to waste.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 2, 2014 3:32 pm

    Lots of good stuff here. I can’t wait until the next time I achieve sophomania and can start yelling at everyone “I’M TEMULENT! I’M TEMULEEEENT!”

    • Tyler Vendetti permalink*
      January 3, 2014 9:14 am

      Hahaha please do. You’d be my favorite person.

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