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Detective Skit

August 21, 2013

Detective

Scene opens on two guys. One is sitting in a chair behind a desk. The other stands outside the room, hand raised. He knocks.

WALTER

Yes, come in.

DAMIAN

(DAMIAN enters. Room is filled with smoke.)

Hi, I’m here for the interview?

WALTER

Oh yes, come in Anderson.

DAMIAN

It’s Damian.

WALTER

No, it’s Anderson. First thing’s first, kid, if you wanna be a detective, you’re gonna need a detective name. No one is gonna take ya seriously with a silly name like Damian. Sit down.

(DAMIAN sits)

So, why do you want to be a detective Anderson?

DAMIAN

Well, sir, I’ve always been good at those mystery books. You know, the one where you have to pick out the escaped convict from a crowd of people?

WALTER

Son, do you mean Where’s Waldo?

DAMIAN

Yes! That’s the one! I would go through a book a week. My mother told me I was incredibly talented. Had the eyes of an eagle, she’d say.

WALTER

I see…

(WALTER stands up, walks up to the camera.)

I could see that this fellow was particularly stupid but there was something about him that told me to keep listening. What that something was, I’m not exactly sure.

(Steps back)

DAMIAN

(Stares, confused.)

What was that?

WALTER

What was what?

DAMIAN

That, right there, what you just did. You went over there and started talking to yourself and then you walked back. You said I was stupid.

WALTER

I was breaking the fourth wall. We detectives do it all the time. If you really wanted to be a detective, you would know that.

DAMIAN

Real detectives don’t do that. Only detectives in movies from the 1950s do that…

WALTER

(Sighs, walks back to camera)

I could already tell this one was a troublemaker. But trouble is my middle name and I wanted to hear more.

(Walks back)

What do you know about my case?

DAMIAN

Um, okay, only what you sent me in your…telegraph… which was a little difficult to get a hold of, by the way. Don’t you have email or something?

WALTER

I’m unfamiliar with that phrase. Is that some sort of radio system?

DAMIAN

We live in the 21st century and you don’t know… You know what, whatever. In the file, you said that you can’t remember what happened to you Monday of last week and you think someone may have erased your memory.

WALTER

That’s correct. The last thing I remember was going to the coffee shop to organize an event…

At this point, a group of people pop up in the corner and re-enact a flashback sequence.

DAMIAN

Whoa, wait, what’s going on…

SHOP WORKER

Welcome back Walter. You want the same as yesterday?

PAST WALTER

Why Lucy, I haven’t seen you in months. What are you talking about?

SHOP WORKER

Months? Walter, are you feeling okay? You came in just yesterday.

(DAMIAN walks up to them, pokes one)

DAMIAN

(To WALTER) What is this, you have people just waiting around in your office to act our your life? Is that even legal?

WALTER

It’s called a flashback, Anderson. It’s a common practice.

DAMIAN

(To FLASHBACK CHARACTERS) This is a joke right? How much is he paying you guys?

WALTER

(Pushing DAMIAN back)

Son, you’re out of line. Sit back down in the chair.

(He signals the two FLASHBACK CHARACTERS to sit)

WALTER

Do you want to be a detective or not?

DAMIAN

I mean… yeah, I do.

WALTER

 Then you better start acting like it.

DAMIAN

…you’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. You know what, I’ll take the files and I’ll figure out what happened to you. I promise.

WALTER

You’re dismissed.

DAMIAN leaves Walter’s office. Once he steps outside of it, he pauses then walks up to the camera.

DAMIAN

My plan had worked. After I gave him the amnesia pill, Walter didn’t even remember me stealing his credit card that Monday. And now that I’m his understudy, I can get coffee for free every week until I run him dry. I’ll be set for life, baby.

(Walks away)

WALTER

(Stepping up to the audience.)

There was something strange about Anderson. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. So I decided to go to the coffee shop to get my mind straightened out. There’s nothing like a Mocha Frappucino to restart my memory.

END SCENE

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One Comment leave one →
  1. September 5, 2013 8:12 am

    HILARIOUS

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