My Potential Oscars Speech
H…he…hey everyone. I, uh… phew…a bit outta breath, give me…one second…I’m a little…out of shape. My chair is all the way in…the back so, yeah. Exercise, right? I mean, I never really realized how far back the seats are. On TV, they cut out like a whole 3 minutes of running, which you have to do if you want to get to the stage before the music starts playing and they kick you off. Yeah, that’s an insider’s secret. Celebrities aren’t fit because they diet or anything like that. No, they’re skinny because they spend all their time practicing running from the seats to this stage so when they grab their award, they can look freaking flawless, as if they didn’t just sprint 3 miles. Well guess what? I like cheeseburgers more than I like running, so I’m going to be red in the face, AND YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. I’m not bitter.
If they wanted to make things easier, they could totally invest in those moving sidewalks. You know, like the kind they have in airports? Then, people could get from their chair to the stage in seconds. They would have so much extra time that way. They could probably even create new categories to fill in the extra time. “Best Almost Kiss Scene.” “Best Disney Star Trying To Remove the Stigma of Disney Star in a Comedy.” “Best Animated Movie Without Talking Animals.” “Best Dramatic Pause.” There are so many unused options there. Plus, nobody would have to cut their acceptance speech short and run the risk of accidentally forgetting to thank their mother, that obscure camera guy that gave them directions once, or Jesus.
I don’t know why it’s so important for celebrities to thank Jesus. Then again, I can’t really say anything because I’ve never not thanked him before, because this is my first acceptance speech, after all, so I don’t know what happens when you don’t thank him. He’ll probably send locusts to your house or something. That’s how religion works, right? You say nice things to the sky in hopes of not being cursed with an insect infestation? I’m not really religious so I’m not sure how that whole system works. You know what? Just in case: Thanks Jesus!
Now that we got that over with, let me just say that I’m really honored to receive this award! Although, to be honest, I don’t really know what the purpose of this thing is. I mean, I guess it makes an effective paperweight or hammer, in case you need to remodel your home and you left your toolbox at your father’s house or something. Or maybe you could talk to it when you get lonely, like a modern version of Wilson from Cast Away. I think I’d like talking to Wilson better, though, because he’s not slim and golden so his ego would probably not be as big, you know? How conceited can you be if you’re just a ball with a handprint for a face? You’d have to be pretty easy-going to put up with Tom Hanks after he grew that beard. It’s hard to talk to a guy that looks like he glued a birds-nest to his chin.
I’m getting the sense that Tom Hanks is in the audience. I also see him on the screen behind me. He doesn’t look happy. Sorry Tom! You know I love your work! And remember when we talked about weird Christmas traditions at your holiday party last year? No? That’s because you didn’t invite me. Bet you’re regretting that now that I have this Oscar, huh? What…what are you mouthing? Am I bitter? NO, I’m not bitter. I already said I’m not bitter. Do you people not pay attention? I’m not bitter about anything, so stop asking. I’m the one with the Oscar here. I have no reason to be bitter.
As someone (Gwenyth Paltrow) rightfully (and rudely) just pointed out from the audience, this is not my Oscar. Yeah, Gwenyth, I saw that. Just because it’s dark in here doesn’t mean I can’t see you. That’s not how vision works, Gwenyth. And for your information, I know I technically did not win or get nominated for this award. I’m not even famous, I just snuck in through the back entrance when the bouncer was talking to Amy Adams. I just wanted to show you all what you’re missing by not nominating me for anything. You should all be thanking me but, to save you the trouble of that whole “thank you, aw you’re welcome, no problem” conversation, you’re welcome. There, I just saved you like, a whole three seconds. What can I say, I’m just a generous person.
Thanks for nothing, LOSERS.
– a not bitter, non-celebrity
Image via WeMinoredInFilm.com