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Harry Potter Spoof (Skit)

July 31, 2013

Enter SON. He’s looking around in awe.

SON

(looking around, says to himself)

Wow, so this is Hogwarts? It’s beautiful!

(SON notices Professor. Taps Professor on shoulder.)

Excuse me! Are you…

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

(interrupting)

Yes! I am Professor McDonaldgold. I will be your supervisor here at Hogwarth.

SON

(confused)

I’m sorry…Hogwarth?

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Yes yes but names are not important. Come along now. Let me bring you to the Great Hall. You need to be sorted into your proper house, after all. Though if I were to sort you just now, I’d say you’d make the perfect Pigeonbeak.

SON

A…a what?

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

A Pigeonbeak. It’s one of the four student houses. There’s Pigeonbeak. Pifflewiff. Slitherdor. Griffin-in-in.

SON

I don’t remember those names being in the brochure…

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

What was that?

            (Distracted. PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD looks at watch. Changes subject.)

Oh, look at the time. Move along now over to the sorting stool.

(SON sits on a nearby chair. SORTING CAT enters.)

SORTING CAT

Well hullo. I’ll be sorting you today.

SON

I thought there was supposed to be a magic hat or something?

SORTING CAT

Oh no no no. I am the sorting CAT. With a C.

(Sounds out the noise.)

C! We couldn’t afford none of dat fancy hat business.

SON

But you’re not even a cat. You’re a human. Dressed as a cat.

SORTING CAT

(annoyed)

I don’t appreciate being called by such names. We don’t adhere to labels in this institution Mr… what even is your name?

SON

I’m Fuzzy, Fuzzy Gardener.

SORTING CAT

Whatever. Now, Mr. Gardener, if you would just sit still…

(SORTING CAT climbs on SON’s back. SON becomes annoyed)

SON

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

SORTING CAT

 Well this is how we do things here. I have to get as close to your head as possible so if you would just…

SON

STOP. Get off of me!

(Pushes SORTING CAT off.)

SORTING CAT

Well someone is cranky today. I know where you belong then. Straight to Slitherdor you go!

SON

What!?

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Now now, no arguing with the Sorting Cat. This way, boy. Time to give you the rest of the tour.

            (PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD pulls SON towards the Whomping Willow.)

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Now, to your left, you’ll see the Whomping Willow in all its glory.

(PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD points to limp looking person kneeling on ground, arms extended.)

SON

(confused)

Wha… that’s it? You’re joking…

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Not in the slightest. Our Whomping Willow is quite dangerous. In fact, it usually begins to act up around this time of day.

(PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD checks his/her watch.)

Oh, it should be waking up right about now.

(At this point, STUDENT walks over and pokes the tree. It wobbles and groans pathetically.)

Look at it go. Quite feisty today, isn’t it?

(Willow hugs STUDENT lovingly. STUDENT pats tree, walks away.)

SON

Yeah…sure… So, do I get a broomstick at any point?

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Oh of course! I have yours right here.

(PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD pulls out a toothbrush.)

SON

(matter of factly)

 That’s not a broomstick.

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

But of course it is! It is a beginner’s broomstick!

SON

I can’t even fly with this thing! What’s the point of that?

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

It’s for practice, my lad! Didn’t think we’d give you a big one right away, did ye?

SON

(annoyed)

You know what? I’m getting sick and tired of this place already. First, you deliver my acceptance letter 7 years too late. Then, you get some guy to sit on me…

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Hold on, young man, back up. I have a reasonable explanation for your letter. Our delivery pigeons have been having a hard time recently with them being blind and all…

SON

Hang on. They’re blind? You’re making blind birds deliver your mail?

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

We got them from the Animal Rescue League, you see. Wouldn’t want to leave perfectly good animals without a home.

SON

I’m so done with you people. I’m leaving.

(SON goes to walk away. PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD walks in front of him and stops him. Begs.)

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

No no no! You must meet the headmaster first! It will only take a few moments.

SON

Oh what will it be this time? Dumblesnore? Nimblebore? What do you take me for?

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

No! Dumbledore is his name. Nothing wrong there. You won’t be disappointed… Really! This way!

(PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD leads SON to a door.)

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Without further adieu, meet Dumbledore!

(PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD signals to door.)

SON

That is a door.

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

No, that is our headmaster! He is the heart and soul of this facility! How dare you show him disrespect?!

SON

(not impressed)

Okay then so…I’m gonna go now. It was nice meeting you.

(Walking away, SON picks up his phone and calls his father.)

Dad, you have to come get me. These people are freaks!

(SON exits. SORTING CAT enters.)

SORTING CAT

(To PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD.)

Where is the new guy going?

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Ah, he’s leaving. But he’ll be back.

SORTING CAT

Why do you say that? He looked pretty annoyed…

PROFESSOR MCDONALDGOLD

Because the only way out is through Platform 9 and 3/18ths and no one’s been able to find that in years.

(Both exit.)

END

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 1, 2013 8:57 am

    Loved it! The sorting Cat is a very rude individual. I hope he chokes on his tail.

    =)

    • Tyler Vendetti permalink*
      August 6, 2013 2:07 am

      He is, but that’s what makes him a great character! (Take a look at Doctor House from House M.D. Mean human. Great character!)

  2. August 2, 2013 5:19 pm

    I think I’ll just leave this here:
    I really enjoy all the new material that’s been created this summer. Writing for the sake of writing can be really difficult sometimes. Hope there’s more to come!

    • Tyler Vendetti permalink*
      August 6, 2013 2:05 am

      Thank you!! I probably should have announced this in a separate post earlier but I’ve scheduled an article to be posted on here every Wednesday for the next few weeks. So there should be at least one thing coming out of this blog on a regular basis. Stay tuned! 🙂

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