A Cover Letter for CollegeHumor
In an effort to avoid spending my summer vacation crying over John Green books and calculating my future debt, I decided to apply to a couple of internships, including one at CollegeHumor in New York City. Because they are not an ordinary company, I figured I couldn’t send in some ordinary cover letter. And because I know there’s a 95.1% chance of them dumping my application directly into the trash due to lack of experience, I’ve decided to post my feeble attempts at impressing them here because frankly, I don’t post enough on this lovely blog and I want to do my best to impress the people who are subscribed to it (all 2 of you…hi Mom!). Enjoy.
Somewhere in NY, Probably a Gated Community
Numbers Go Here
Let me begin with a thought-provoking hook that I spent 20 minutes meticulously constructing because perfectionism is my kryptonite and baby, I was born this way so there’s no point in pretending that I’m some sort of prolific writer who can produce 100 books a day, unless that’s what you want in which case, I can totally do that too. What was I saying? Oh right, the hook: Why do employers continue to hire Lindsay Lohan? Wait, you’re not supposed to begin with a question, are you? Or follow up a question with a question? Or question the question you were questioning?
Now that I’ve opened up a black hole with my literary paradox, I’ll proceed to tell you why I’m qualified to attend your institution which, as you will see in the next few paragraphs, has been my dream since I stumbled upon your website 5 minutes ago. I was born in a small, New England town in 1993 in a cabin in the woods, which is where my parents left me after realizing my mother hadn’t just been carrying a food baby for 9 months. Luckily, I was adopted by a pack of beautiful centaurs that accepted me as one of their own. However, after their third attempt to eat me (whoa, wait, did I say centaurs? I meant wolves…), I was forced to set off on my own. While I currently live in Boston with a bunch of humans, I would be able to spend the summer in NY due to the 2,500-dollar stipend my school gave me for drug money shopping hot dates living expenses. I’m including this part of my history to highlight my independent spirit and my ability to recognize negative situations and adapt accordingly. My advisor (or, as I like to call him, my college spirit guide) told me never to be too cryptic in my writing so I figured I might as well come out and tell you how these anecdotes make me the perfect candidate for your school.
In fact, I’ve probably already lost your interest at this point because statistically, admission officers spend about 2 minutes reading college essays. (Notice how I am able to retain useful information and apply it at appropriate times.) So, to make this process easier for you, I’ll continue my statement in a bullet point format. (You’re welcome.) I have the following skills:
– Remembering coffee orders that involve no more than 3 ingredients (includes the coffee itself)
– Watching Titanic without crying
– Finding 4-leaf clovers (1 recorded occurrence)
– Making cereal
– Danimals Yogurt (for myself)
– Twinkies (every box, just in case)
Sorry, that got mixed up with my grocery list. I hope you don’t mind. I’d fix it but that requires highlighting the text, finding the delete button, actually hitting the delete button and that would cut into my “Self-Deprecation Session” (which involves me crying into an empty tube of Pringles while my other friends get internships and become successful) and truthfully, ain’t nobody got time for that.
Wait a second. I just realized…am I not supposed to be writing an admissions essay? Is College Humor not an actual college? Well, this is embarrassing. Someone should really make that less confusing. You know what? I’m just going to send this in anyway. I could use an internship too so I’m not really losing anything by submitting this. YOLO, right? I knew you’d understand.
Your ever dutiful, virtuous, whimsical, responsible, respectful, desperate, hard-working, kind of funny applicant,
Tyler (not Taylor) Vendetti
Hugs and Kisses! Xoxoxoxoxo oooooooooo
(Just realized Xs are kisses and we aren’t that close. LOL!)